Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Men Are Funny

Some of my greatest friendships have been with men.  I have to give guys credit because they typically don't come with a lot of drama.  If we have a disagreement, there are no long recovery times.  A "Fuck you!" followed by a couple of beers and all is right again when you have a disagreement with a guy friend.  No tears or pouting.  Simple.  I like that.

Men say things women just never even think of and I never cease to be amazed.  Here are some of the funniest things I've actually heard men say over the years. Keep in mind that I live in the South, so most of these are said with a bit of "twang." 

WARNING:  This list isn't for the easily offended.  (But, if you are easily offended, you probably stopped reading Ain't Nobody's Mama a long time ago!)

Men are hilarious, but often crass when they....

Comment on the opposite sex....

  • I wouldn't fuck her for practice.

  • I'd rather stick my dick in a meat grinder.

  • Her ass looks like a sack of dead cats.

  • If I was looking at her boobs it was just so that I wouldn't have to look at her face.
          *When caught staring at an unfortunate looking woman's chest

  • I wouldn't fuck her with your dick.

  • She makes my dick harder than 10 jawbreakers.

  • Fucking her is like rolling a hot dog down a hallway.

Talk about the weather....
  • I'm sweatin' like a whore on dollar night.
  •  It's hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock.
  • I'm sweatin' like a whore in church.

Question each other's sexuality....
  • Man, you're so gay, if it was raining pussy, you'd get hit in the face with a dick.

Report driving conditions....
  • That road's crookeder* than a dog's dick.
          *Some folks actually say "crookeder" in the South.

And finally, this doesn't fall into any particular category, but a male friend actually said this to me and I thought it was oddly hilarious....

  • I've got a muskrat in the truck if you want to see it.
         *Muskrat was not a euphemism for anything. He actually had a muskrat.

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