Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Men Are Funny

Some of my greatest friendships have been with men.  I have to give guys credit because they typically don't come with a lot of drama.  If we have a disagreement, there are no long recovery times.  A "Fuck you!" followed by a couple of beers and all is right again when you have a disagreement with a guy friend.  No tears or pouting.  Simple.  I like that.

Men say things women just never even think of and I never cease to be amazed.  Here are some of the funniest things I've actually heard men say over the years. Keep in mind that I live in the South, so most of these are said with a bit of "twang." 

WARNING:  This list isn't for the easily offended.  (But, if you are easily offended, you probably stopped reading Ain't Nobody's Mama a long time ago!)

Men are hilarious, but often crass when they....

Comment on the opposite sex....

  • I wouldn't fuck her for practice.

  • I'd rather stick my dick in a meat grinder.

  • Her ass looks like a sack of dead cats.

  • If I was looking at her boobs it was just so that I wouldn't have to look at her face.
          *When caught staring at an unfortunate looking woman's chest

  • I wouldn't fuck her with your dick.

  • She makes my dick harder than 10 jawbreakers.

  • Fucking her is like rolling a hot dog down a hallway.

Talk about the weather....
  • I'm sweatin' like a whore on dollar night.
  •  It's hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock.
  • I'm sweatin' like a whore in church.

Question each other's sexuality....
  • Man, you're so gay, if it was raining pussy, you'd get hit in the face with a dick.

Report driving conditions....
  • That road's crookeder* than a dog's dick.
          *Some folks actually say "crookeder" in the South.

And finally, this doesn't fall into any particular category, but a male friend actually said this to me and I thought it was oddly hilarious....

  • I've got a muskrat in the truck if you want to see it.
         *Muskrat was not a euphemism for anything. He actually had a muskrat.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

WTH Are They Thinking???

I am a firm believer that we find what we look for in life, so I strive to look for the positive in every situation.  I'm no Pollyanna, but I don't see the point in focusing on the negative.  Am I always successful?  Hell no!  Do I get mad?  Hell yes!  A couple of recent news stories have raised my hackles to the point that I just have to share.

A lady in Canada sent her neighbor this horrible letter.  In a nutshell, a woman cares for her autistic grandson during the summer and lets him spend time outside in her yard each day.  The child makes noises that are beyond his control.  Well, this annoys the neighbor, so she sends a letter suggesting that the grandmother "do the right thing and move or euthanize him."  I shit you not. She actually suggested that a CHILD be euthanized because he ANNOYED her.  She further suggests that "they should take whatever non retarded body parts he possesses" and donate them to science.  She signed the letter, "One pissed off mother!!!"

What. A. Vile. Cunt.  This chick's hand basket to Hell just got a racing stripe.  I wouldn't be surprised if this same bitch has a dog that she lets shit in everyone else's yard when she takes it for a walk.

Lady, why not take a minute to be thankful for the health and safety of your own children instead of sending a hateful letter that you are too cowardly to even sign your name to?  That energy you are spewing doesn't help the situation one bit.  You've devastated a family. If you feel better for it, then you are a pitiful excuse for a human being, much less a role model for your children.

A family in Colorado is dealing with their own neighborhood drama.  They installed a wheelchair ramp in front of their house for their daughter who has cerebral palsy.  A neighbor is threatening to sue to have the ramp removed because she says it adversely affects CURB APPEAL in the neighborhood.  Now if it was made from human bones and had puppy heads for finials, I could see her point, but that is not the case.

It is a concrete ramp with handrails to help a child with a disability.  What is your problem, lady?  I'd find living next to a self-centered, heartless bitch much less appealing than a fucking ramp. Wait until the neighbors complain about the traffic when you have to summon the jaws of life to get your head out of your ass!

What about common decency and empathy?  We should be a lot more concerned about these traits becoming extinct rather than some three-toed, tree dwelling rat in Indonesia. (I totally made that up, so don't get worried about the rat.)

Being empathetic can take conscious effort and practice.  For example.... If a person is driving in front of me, well below the speed limit, rather than ride his bumper and get my panties in a bunch over something I have absolutely no control over, I try to remember that everyone is fighting their own battle.  Perhaps he just lost his spouse and is on the way home from making funeral arrangements.  Who knows?  Maybe having to go slower than normal prevents me from being at that dangerous intersection when a car runs a red light. 

We would all do better to look at our fellow travelers in life with a degree of compassion and empathy.  In the blink of an eye, any one of us could be in their shoes.  Practice being thankful instead of critical. 

I'm stepping down from my soapbox now....

Monday, August 12, 2013

People Peeves: Part Deux

Ever notice how some people just go full-tilt asshole all the time? There is no low to medium setting.  They are just ON.  All. The. Fucking. Time.  Lots of these people are in sales, either in person or via telemarketing.  Since I would HATE to do their job, I try to be as polite as possible when rejecting their offers or services.  (I'm Southern, so I was groomed from birth to be polite.)  Even if you are being a total douchetard, I will say, "Please," and "Thank you" in an effort not to offend.  (Do not mistake this behavior or my accent for a lack of intelligence.  Shit can get REAL, really quickly if you do.)

I understand that salespeople are trained to be tenacious and never take no for an answer, but let's face it -- sometimes no IS the answer.  So, when I try to let you down easy, understand that you do not help your case AT ALL when you start calling me "Honey" or "Sweetheart" in a condescending tone that would keep even Channing Tatum from getting laid, much less convince me that I need your brand of toner for my copier.

People who do not take care of their children make my blood boil.  I've seen more than one report this summer about people leaving a baby or child in a hot car and the child dying.  I won't even leave my iPad in a hot car for fuck's sake!  Unless you step out of the car and drop dead on your way to get your child out, there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for this. 

Another peeve I have is for parents who dress their little girls like whores.  I've seen little girls  wearing midriff bearing tops, low rise jeans and makeup that is in no way age appropriate.  I ain't nobody's mama, but please tell me why anyone would go even a step further and parade their child like this on the "beauty" contest circuit?  Fake hair, fake teeth, spray tans, provocative routines and poses....  A five-year-old who is trained to make a duck face and operate a rip-away skirt on stage is just all kinds of wrong.  You can't tell me there aren't pedophiles out there having a field day with this kind of bullshit.

People with bad breath try my patience, especially if they are also "close talkers."  If my face is squinched up and my eyes are watering while you're talking to me -- Back. The. Fuck. Up.  Folks, how can you NOT know that your breath smells like ass?  If you cannot distinguish between minty fresh and turd tongue, see a professional because there is a problem in there.  Even if you're not sure, trust me, no one's going to complain if you pop an Altoid or suddenly excuse yourself to go brush your teeth as a preventive measure.