Monday, April 29, 2013

Weird Science

The headline "Professor Wants to Study the Health Benefits of Eating Boogers"  recently caught my eye.  Turns out, a guy at the University of Saskatchewan believes there may be health benefits to eating your own boogers.  Whew!  What a relief.  I thought he meant eating other people's. 

This is SCIENCE???

I'm going to shoot you straight, right here.  I don't care if the professor proves that eating boogers makes you smarter, gives you bigger boobs and makes you shit silver dollars.  I'm not jumping on this band wagon.

Can you imagine the research that will have to be done to validate his hypothesis?  I'm thinking his research subjects will consist mainly of little kids and drivers stopped at traffic lights.  Surely participants will have to follow strict guidelines to keep them safe.  Like they can't insert their finger deeper than the knuckle so as to avoid brain injury.

Seeing that headline made me wonder what other kinds of crazy research is going on these days.  It didn't take long to Google a couple of doozies.

A professor at Cornell University has scientifically proved that waitresses with large breasts make more money in tips than do waitresses with small breasts.  No shit.  I must be smarter than I thought if it takes an Ivy League professor to deliver this groundbreaking nugget of knowledge. 

Another study suggests that semen may be useful in treating depression.  Are there any women researchers out there?  Any at all?

I can see it now.  A woman walks out of the doctor's office with a prescription for Petercillan.  Whose depression is this supposed to help exactly, the man's or the woman's?

I'm thinking we will easily be able to tell whether researchers are male or female just by the title of a study....

Male:  Blow Jobs Prevent Cancer
Female: Blow Jobs Cause Chronic Neck Pain

Thursday, April 25, 2013

10 Things I've Learned from True Crime Shows

I love true crime shows!  The Hubs swears my viewing choices cause him to sleep a little lighter at night, but I can't resist.  Nightmare Next Door...Deadly Women...Notorious...Investigation ID...Evil Twins...Dateline....  I watch 'em all.  I recently heard a commercial for a show that teased, "The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest."  Oooooh!  Sounds like someone has a story to tell!

Through years of viewing, I've learned a few things:

1.   An unusual odor is never a good thing.

2.  If a spouse is cheating, there's a good chance he or she had something to do with the murder.

3.  Don't hire out. DIY and keep your mouth shut. (Kids, whores or hitmen will rat you out.)

4.  Never buy a new area rug or get new flooring right after your loved one mysteriously disappears.

5.  Don't jog.  Joggers are usually the ones who either find the body or go missing.

6.  Serial killers make good neighbors. After learning their neighbor is a killer, you never hear people say that that he had wild parties or let his dog shit in their yard.  They are quiet, tidy and keep to themselves.

7.  If you cry, make tears.  Don't half ass it by sniffing and swiping dry cheeks.

8.  Getting caught on in-store cameras buying a hatchet, rubber gloves, duct tape, bleach, garbage bags and a wood chipper ALWAYS looks bad.  Throw in some gum, tampons and maybe a Diet Coke for balance.

9.  Follow the money.  Whoever stands to profit the most from murder is often the killer.

10.  The widowed should not have a date at the funeral. Aside from being suspicious, it's just plain tacky.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

My Guilty Pleasure

I have a confession.  A guilty pleasure, if you will.  I'm not proud of it, but.... I love infomercials!  Not so much the products, but the dramatic over-acting and cheesy dialogue that accompanies them.

For example, a lady is cold but can't figure out how to operate a conventional blanket.  We see her pull it up just to have her feet stick out.  Next, she jerks it down, but damn, now her arms are cold! She finally wads up the blanket and -- with a level of exasperation usually reserved for being unable to save a life via CPR -- throws it on the floor.  What to do?!  What. To. Do.

How about a blanket with sleeves?  Holy shit!  Why didn't I think of that?!  Now the whole family can enjoy all of their favorite activities looking like they escaped from a monastery.  Laughter and high-fives ensue.
It's a par-tay!
Ladies, are traditional diet and exercise too much of a commitment for toned arms?  Well, forget that! Buy a product that works in minutes and comes with the bonus of making you look like an adult film star training for the fellatio Olympics.  Oh, yeah, baby....  Shake it!  Shake it! 

Does your home smell like piss?  *Actor wrinkles his nose, makes a face, and nods emphatically.*  Well, instead of worrying that you might have a much bigger problem, spray this on it!  Don't even know all the alternate sites friends and animals have used for a toilet?  *Actor shakes his head, clearly concerned now.* Order in the next five minutes and we'll include a black light so that you can easily discover what a cesspool of germs your home really is!

Do I smell pee???
Are you still cleaning your ears the old fashioned way?  With dangerous swabs?  *Actor inserts cotton swab in his ear and shrieks in pain.*    (WTF?  Who sticks the damn thing in as far as it will go??? ) Stop! Now there's an easier, safer way to clean your ears!  *Actor looks hopefully toward the camera while rubbing his ear.* The wax vac is the safe, fun way to clean your ears.  Aaaaah....  *Actor smiles wistfully, eyes rolling back orgasmically while he safely sucks wax from his ear canal.*

Gentle suction....  Oh yeah.....
You are missing out on some quality entertainment if you just click past these late night and early morning gems.  This is good stuff, people.

Do you have any favorites?

Monday, April 15, 2013

A Different Post

Given the events of the afternoon, I'm foregoing my regular style post.  Every individual affected by the explosions at the Boston Marathon deserves our prayers. Victims. Rescuers. Firefighters. Law enforcement. Doctors. Nurses. Volunteers. Families. Friends. Prayer for physical and emotional healing.

Disasters spawned by evil are tragedies for certain, but we must not lose sight of the good that is in this world.  Our daily blessings.  Do not let the cowards who inflict harm on innocents undermine your faith. I believe beyond doubt that we find what we focus on in this life.

Regardless of political affiliation, we are Americans.  Focus on our hard won freedoms.  Focus on the courage of those people who ran into danger to help others.  Do not let anyone take away our ability to find the positives in this life with which we are blessed.

One of my favorite sayings is, "Worry is praying for what you don't want."  I remind myself of this when I have moments of concern and doubt.

I pray that each of you finds words to strengthen your faith in this time of tragedy. Practice counting your blessings and those of others each day.  If you can't find something positive, you are not looking hard enough.

God bless!

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Pull Up Your Pants

I do not claim to be well versed in current fashion trends, but there is one thing I know for sure:  People need to have a little self-respect and pull up their damn pants.  If that makes me sound like an old curmudgeon shouting at kids to get off my lawn, then so be it.  Right is right.  Wrong is wrong.  And wrong is wearing pants that do not cover your ass.

How is this trend even basically functional, much less sexy or cool?  Ladies, this man could not safely mow grass, carry a baby, chase an intruder out of the house, mount a fiery stallion or rush to greet you at the airport.  But, no doubt, he could shuffle up, give you a once over, nod his head and say, "'Sup?"  Wow.  There's a panty dropper.

By the same token, guys shouldn't go to the other extreme and start pulling their jeans up so far that there is an outbreak of moose knuckle.  However, that look would be an effective means of birth control.  (Doubly effective when paired with a never-gonna-get-laid haircut.)

Like many things in life, a happy medium is good.  Don't let your ass hang out and don't crunch your nuts.  How hard is that?  Seems like there is a lot of wiggle room there.

Somebody needs a new diaper.
Men, I'm not singling you out.  Women have fashion faux pas of our own to avoid.

Don't get me wrong, Justin Beiber is a perfectly cute little girl.  But, those I-shit-my-pants trousers do nothing for his prepubescent figure.  And do you know who should wear stud embellished trucker hats?  No one.  Not even kinky truckers.  If your young daughter thinks this look is sexy, I doubt you will have to worry about grandchildren.

A muffin nobody wants.
Some women go to the other extreme with regard to fit and that is no better.  Honey, just because you CAN wear a pair of pants does not mean that you SHOULD.  Here's a valuable little nugget to keep in mind next time you go shopping:

Proper fit hides a lot of shit.

Words to live by.  Amen.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Feed the Children

As you know from reading my blog, Hubs and I do not have children.  However, we do have children in our lives.  Children we love dearly.  Two of these who have been in our lives the longest are our godsons.  Since they will likely choose my nursing home one day, for blog purposes, I will call them Bert and Ernie. Bert is the oldest at 10 1/2 and Ernie just turned 9.  We've known them from the time they entered this world and they have enriched our lives greatly.

Hubs and I have taken these kiddos lots of places and done lots of fun things.  However....  There is one activity that is always a source of contention -- EATING.  You parents who are responsible for providing daily nourishment for your offspring, I admire the shiz out of you for not going totally batshit crazy at the challenge of this endeavor.

Bert and Ernie are extremely picky eaters.  EXTREMELY.  No crusts is a given.  "Toasted" is tricky because consumption depends on the proportion of dark to light on the remaining bread.  Pizza is usually the best bet, but what if the crust is too thick or too thin?  Houston, there will be a problem.  Hotdogs are typically okay, but heaven forbid they are grilled with those delicious charred marks.

Both boys have a history of whining, "I don't like that."  The item for consideration may be something they've eaten for years, but much like a tsunami, their changes in taste evolve without warning.   Hubs and I always ask them to at least try some of whatever we are having in hopes of cultivating their palletes, but you'd think we'd asked them to try fresh dog dookie given the reactions we get.

Ernie is notorious for fake gagging and crying.  Like a match to gasoline, this sets me on fire.  I once made him eat a few bites of mac-and-cheese and he totally lost his mind.  It wasn't even homemade, for heavens sake!  Even I know kids won't go for that, but Kraft?  WTF???

Bert and I once had a come-to-Jesus meeting outside a nice, Italian restaurant when he refused to try the fried cheese he asked for.  Apparently, it was a different SHAPE than the fried cheese he'd had before. OMG.  I explained that we would never ask him to try something that wasn't good, that it would taste the same as what he'd had before, blah, blah, blah, but he totally shut down, complete with tears.

Hubs and I were determined, though, to take them out and teach them to enjoy dining at restaurants.  Our only rule was, "Make your decision carefully, because if you order it, you eat it."  We'd even get them to start thinking about their order on the way to the restaurant.  Surely that would make for a pleasant evening....

We took them to the local Sonic (which has since been closed because they were apparently cooking up meth along with the hotdogs) for a casual meal.  Bert had decided on a hotdog and Ernie chose a corndog.  It was a nice evening, sitting outside, so we naively hoped for the best.  When Ernie's corndog arrived, he started to pick off the crust. 

"What are you doing?"  I asked.

"I don't like this part."  Ernie replied.

I have to admit, Godmom lost her shit.  I leaned over, looked Ernie in the eyes and slowly said, "NO.  That is what MAKES a corndog.  You said you wanted a corndog.  YOU.  WILL.  EAT.  THAT.  CORNDOG."

Ernie apparently knew that I was close to the edge because he ate that fucking corndog.  After eating it, he looked at me pensively and announced, "I'm not eating the stick." 

I had to turn away not to laugh.  It was confirmed in that moment that it's a damn good thing I ain't nobody's mama.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Spring Break Photo Shoot

I've always been more of a dog person than a cat person, but I have a confession:  I love that damn Grumpy Cat that is all over the Internet.  He cracks me up.  Hell, he even got a gig with Friskies and is pulling down some jack!

So, I got to thinking....  Why can't one of our animals become a famous meme and start earning its keep?  Yellow Kitty had his chance, so I decided to give Gracie, our inside/outside cat, her big break.  I knew she'd be stoked.

Me:  Hey, Gracie!!!!  Come here, kitty kitty!

If I play dead, she'll go away.
Shit.  Maybe I should look busy.
 Me:  Come on Gracie!  Let's make you a star!
You have my attention.
Me:  Let's have a Spring Break photo shoot and see what develops!

I see what you did there. Very funny.  NOT.  But, WTH?  I'm game.
Me:  I knew you'd be excited!  Let's try a prop!

I see what you were going for, but pu$$y in a box doesn't have,
 the same ring to it as that Justin Timberlake skit on SNL.
 Me:  Okay.  Maybe another pose.  Something unique.  Work it!

How about this?
 Me:  It's not THAT kind of photoshoot, Gracie.  Let's go outside!

I think this is my good side.
 Me:  Yeah, it's great, but look this way.

Oh, you want my other good side.
Me:  No, look over here!

I just did this.  Your direction is redundant.
 Me: Nevermind!  Let's try an action shot.  Pretend something unexpectedly gets your attention.

How about this?
Me:  I'm just not feeling it.

How about a different box?
Me:  Nah. Let's call it a day.  Maybe Grumpy Cat has more talent than I thought.

Just what I was hoping for.... 

Monday, April 1, 2013

People Peeves

I'm a pretty easy going gal most of the time, but some things try my patience....

If you are able bodied and I stop to let you pass in front of my car, I expect to see a little hustle in your giddy-up.  No slow-as-molasses-strolling.  Especially if your pants are hanging off your ass!  I shouldn't have to rev my engine or accidentally hit the horn to get you moving.

Grocery shopping is generally a chore.  So, let's all do our part to keep things moving, shall we?  Transfer the rules of the road to the aisle and keep your cart to the right.  The fact that choosing between Thousand Island and Ranch is equivalent to brain surgery for some folks should not impede progresss for the rest of us.

While it's always nice to get a clerk with a little personality, I prefer not to get commentary on my selections.  Back in November, I bought six bottles of my favorite Cabernet Sauvignon.  (It was on sale, plus I got an additional percentage off for buying half a dozen.  I don't need a meeting.)

Young Clerk:  Wow!  Are you having a bunch of people over for Thanksgiving?
Me:    Nope.
She was pretty quiet after that.

If you are in a checkout line with a shitload of items and there's someone behind you with a couple of items, offer to let them go ahead.  It's just the right thing to do.  That karma will come back around.  No doubt.  The same goes for when there is a line of traffic trying to merge.  Let a car in -- ONE car -- not the whole lot of them.  Again, that will come back to you when you need it.

Beware!  Thoughtless, lazy ass nearby.
No matter where you shop, if you take a buggy outside, put it back after you use it.  Leaving a buggy outside -- not in the return bin -- is RUDE.  Your mama taught you better.  You know she did.  No one should have to clean up after you.  And if that loose buggy hits somebody's car?  You deserve to get your ass kicked.  End of story.

Again, just like your mama taught you:  Act like SOMEBODY!  ;)