Monday, March 11, 2013

Southern Defense

There are a host of reality shows showcasing southerners and/or rednecks these days.  Southern born and raised, I am offended by most of the personalities chosen to represent us.  Therefore, I would like to make a few things perfectly clear:

I have NEVER....
  • had sex with a relative
  • been mud boggin' or squirrel huntin'
  • gotten horny listening to banjo music
  • gone catfish noodling
  • been pregnant
  • sported a mullet
  • heard of rogue hillbillies ass-raping chubby city slickers
  • opened a can of whoop-ass
  • personally delivered an ass-kickin'
  • owned or displayed a Confederate flag
  • attended a NASCAR event
  • worn camo to a formal event
  • had a toothbrush get dusty
  • considered cheese balls a dietary staple
  • cooked meth

However, I HAVE....
  • drunk moonshine
  • successfully operated post hole diggers
  • pulled pork (not a sexual thing)
  • received a gun as a gift
  • given a gun as a gift
  • helped gut and skin a deer
  • used raw chicken livers as bait when fishing
  • cooked and eaten grits regularly
  • referred to someone as a damn Yankee (not the baseball kind)
  • used the exclamation, "Shit fire!"
  • utilized the phrase "Bless her heart" to excuse myself from saying something awful about someone else

In case you've never used this gem, here's an example of it used correctly:
If she was anymore of a bitch, she'd have puppies.  Bless her heart.

So next time you see a commercial for Honey Boo Boo or My Redneck Vacation (I'm giving you credit for just having seen the commercials, not the shows), remember that those folks are the EXCEPTION, definitely not the rule!


  1. pulled pork isn't a sexual thing? holy shit, then what have I been doing all these years?

  2. I beg your pardon.... I SAW your mullet, Missy!

    1. Spikey hair in the front yes, but never a party in the back!

  3. Well, this was absolutely freaking fantastic. We've done all of the same things, and I've done a couple of things you haven't, but definitely not the relative sex or cooked meth in the shed out back. Bless our hearts.

    1. Thanks so much, Susannah! RE: having done a couple of things I haven't.... Bless your heart, was it the banjo one? ;)

  4. Oh my gosh, I laughed my hillbilly ass off over this. I liked this, or should I say loved it all the way to my toes.

    1. Thanks so much! Glad to have you as a reader! Stay tuned....

  5. You are very funny. I love it.