Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Hip-Hip-Hoo-Ha for the Holidays!

Just when I thought vajazzling was the most absurd practice I'd ever heard of, I see an advertisement for "My New Pink Button."  This product is a dye to restore "the youthful pink color" back to your labia.   Let me say that again in case you missed it....  DYE. For. Your. LABIA.

What. The. Fuck.

I'm in my forties and I'm already getting pretty damn pissed at the maintenance this mediocre bod of mine requires.  At this rate, I'm going to have to quit my full-time job just so I'll have time to adequately moisturize, dye my hair (on my head!), exercise, shop for healthy food, and remove unwanted hair.  And now I'm supposed to worry about my naughty bits losing their cherubic blush?

I. Think. Not.  I got shit to do.

Unless I have a midlife crisis that involves me deciding to be a porn star, I call bullshit on this whole deal.  My good Southern mama taught me a long time ago, "If it don't look good, don't put it out on the porch for everyone to see."  I can safely say that this will not be a problem when it comes to my private nubbin. 

Ladies, if you are getting complaints on the discoloration of your vajayjay, you are showing it too much and to the wrong people.  I doubt that there is a man out there who would have a moment's hesitation of doing the deed based on the shade of his partner's cooter.  (Not counting it being like freakishly day-glo or something, but even then, most men would probably appreciate the navigational help.)

I cannot imagine Hubs pointing out that my hoo-ha was losing its luster.  I'm not married to an idiot. Hubs is a very technical, pragmatic guy.  Before he would say something like that, he would weigh whether or not the need to make such a moronic comment would be worth me getting half his shit.  A smart, smart man....

However, if a man did say that, I think turn about would be fair play.  A woman could simply ask, "So, are you going to start tucking those saggy balls in your socks soon or what?"

I have a solution for any of you who are concerned about the color of your hootily-do.   Pay attention because I'm only going to tell you how to solve this problem ONCE.  There are actually two options....

1.  Stop looking at your hoo-ha.
2.  Turn. Off. The. Light.