Yellow Kitty

My sister, Nice, had this cat named Yellow Kitty.  (Yeah, I know.  I'm just thankful my niece isn't named Baby Girl.) Yellow Kitty (YK) is a HUGE cat whose hunting prowess was the stuff legends are made of.

Nice would tell of the daily carnage her family would find in their yard.  Squirrels.  Rabbits.  Birds. Unidentifiable, bloody stubs and pieces....  YK was one bad mofo.  As often happens to bad mofos, YK would get into fights.  After complaints from a neighbor whose cat was apparently a real pussy (See what I did there?), Nice offered YK to the Hubs and myself since we live in a more rural setting.

Critters abound at our place, so we were THRILLED to get this killer on our property.  We decided to keep him in my studio so that he could wipe out the rodents that would attempt to set up residency.  It would be like his very own slaughterhouse with no other cats to encroach on his turf.  My hopes soared!

Days passed....  No carnage.

Okay, YK's adapting to his new habitat.  He's just casing the joint.  Trying to decide what he will kill first.  It's just a matter of time before he starts kicking some rodent ass!

Weeks passed....  No carnage.  Not even a teensy bit of carnage.

Then, one day....

Me:  Hey,Yellow Kitty!  What's that over there?!?



Are you talking to me?

Me:  Do you see anyone else around here with the stupid name Yellow Kitty???

Point taken.



What?

Me:  Dammit YK!  Look over there!!!

WTF???

That is the ugliest cat I've ever seen.

Me:  It's a fucking 'possum you lazy ass!!!!  Get it the fuck out of here!!!

Your sister said you were funny....

Me:  Yeah.  I'm a riot.

Southern Defense

There are a host of reality shows showcasing southerners and/or rednecks these days.  Southern born and raised, I am offended by most of the personalities chosen to represent us.  Therefore, I would like to make a few things perfectly clear:

I have NEVER....

• had sex with a relative
• been mud boggin' or squirrel huntin'
• gotten horny listening to banjo music
• gone catfish noodling
• been pregnant
• sported a mullet
• heard of rogue hillbillies ass-raping chubby city slickers
• opened a can of whoop-ass
• personally delivered an ass-kickin'
• owned or displayed a Confederate flag
• attended a NASCAR event
• worn camo to a formal event
• had a toothbrush get dusty
• considered cheese balls a dietary staple
• cooked meth

However, I HAVE....

• drunk moonshine
• successfully operated post hole diggers
• pulled pork (not a sexual thing)
• received a gun as a gift
• given a gun as a gift
• helped gut and skin a deer
• used raw chicken livers as bait when fishing
• cooked and eaten grits regularly
• referred to someone as a damn Yankee (not the baseball kind)
• used the exclamation, "Shit fire!"
• utilized the phrase "Bless her heart" to excuse myself from saying something awful about someone else

In case you've never used this gem, here's an example of it used correctly:
If she was anymore of a bitch, she'd have puppies.  Bless her heart.

So next time you see a commercial for Honey Boo Boo or My Redneck Vacation (I'm giving you credit for just having seen the commercials, not the shows), remember that those folks are the EXCEPTION, definitely not the rule!