Thursday, March 7, 2013

Birth Control

Forget sex education classes and condoms.  If you really want to deter teen pregnancy, make teens spend a day at Chuck E. Cheese. My first (and last) visit wasn't until I was in my thirties, but it did the trick. I could actually feel my tubes double knotting themselves as I watched kids react to the stimulus of this rodent sponsored rave.

One child totally lost control of his bladder on one of the rides.  As the seat lifted into the air, down came the wave of pee in a splash all over the floor. Didn't seem to bother him. He just jumped off and ran to the next attraction. Guess what happened next.  Yep.  Another tot trotted right up and hopped onto the seat, totally oblivious to the pool of piss he'd just sat in.  Kids are resilient like that.

Parents deal with shit like this all the time.  They keep going with a willingness and tenacity that is foreign to those of us who are childless.  I applaud them.  I truly do, because I totally admire people with skills and attributes I do not possess.  Parenting is at the top of that list.  The good Lord knew what he was doing when he gave me no desire to reproduce.  (He's all-knowing like that.). I love the children in my life, but I am grateful -- as should they be --  that I am not their mom because I would surely screw them up.

First of all, I watch too many true crime shows, so I would be super paranoid about letting them experience new things.  You want to run out to the ice cream truck?  Nope.  A pedophile is likely hocking those Nutty Buddies.  You want to go to the circus?  Nope.  Clowns are bad news.  Does the name John Wayne Gasey mean anything to you?

I scarred my much younger sister, Nice (to my Naughty), when we were growing up. To this day, Nice remembers my rules/warnings regarding public restrooms:

1. NEVER sit on the potty. (Hover, as all good Southern girls have been taught.)
2. NEVER go by yourself.  (Surely molesters lurk in public restrooms.)

I came up with these rules when I was a teen, so imagine the damage I could do to a kid's outlook now!  I'd likely have an App for them to avoid germs and danger.
Back to my my nonexistent children....  Groceries would have to be delivered.  I once took my two-year-old godson to the grocery store.  Holy shit.  I have never felt so helpless.  When he wasn't screaming and doing that "dish rag" maneuver where his knees won't lock so I could stand him up, he was doing the "try to put a cat in a box" move when I'd try to put him in the cart or back into his car seat.  He's in his teens now and I can probably count the times I've taken him grocery shopping on three fingers.

My kids couldn't participate in organized sports.  I am not a sports fan, so I require beer or vodka to be a pleasant spectator.  Even I know that just wouldn't be right at T-ball practice.

My kids would never experience the carefree, childhood joy of a waterpark. Waiting in line with a bunch of strangers, standing in a puddle, everyone dripping wet in their bathing suits?  Know what that water has touched?  EVERYTHING.  Not going to happen.

Yep.  It's a very good thing I Ain't Nobody's Mama.


  1. Damn, woman! I think my tubes double knotted themselves after reading this. I've always said, why would anyone want kids when there are so many available puppies out there? Plus kids are selfish. When is the last time one asked you how your day was going? Geeees :)

  2. Puppies are much easier to train and you can put them outside when they get yappy!

  3. at last! I've found a non-mommy blog that I can relate to & is actually funny. i'd have a kid if you could crate train it like a puppy...

    1. Welcome! Thanks so much! Yeah, the crate training is pretty much frowned upon. But, you can buy leashes for them nowadays, so who knows....