Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Foul Play Pact

Actor David Carradine, most famous for his role in the 1970s TV series, Kung Fu, was found dead, hanging naked except for fishnet stockings and a wig in the closet of a hotel room several years ago.  His hands were tied and there was a ligature around his genitals.  (I read that "accidental asphyxiation" was given as the most probable cause of death.)

I'll never forget this news report because it didn't seem to take authorities long to determine that foul play was NOT involved.  I remember wondering what kind of crazy shit someone must be into if being found this way doesn't scream, FOUL!

This bizarre news item led my friend "Skeeter" (not her given name) and I to engage in an important discussion.  We decided that we should make each other aware of factors that would instantly confirm foul play in the event of the other's untimely demise.  A Foul Play Pact, if you will.

For example, we both agree that if either of us is ever discovered on a jogging trail, a crime has taken place.  Clearly, we were killed elsewhere and our bodies dumped.  We would NEVER be on a jogging trail of our own accord, so no standing around speculating what we might have been doing out there.

With this assurance of the other's proclivities, the remaining one could call in the authorities -- local police, GBI, FBI, CIA, NASA, and any other agencies big enough to have an acronym -- post haste to investigate. 

Likewise, if either of us is ever found deceased with anything tied, dangling, clamped, etc. to any of our naughty bits, a crime has indeed been committed.  No need to ask around.

Would.  Not.  Happen.

I also made sure that Skeeter knows to call in the troops on my behalf if it is ever reported that I was:

  • last seen in a Gymboree or Chuck E. Cheese
  • found wearing a string bikini
  • rumored to have disappeared while working out at a public gym
  • conversing with a carnival worker
  • found sitting in front of the TV watching DVR'd episodes of anything with Kardashians
  • revealed via toxicology reports to have consumed nonalcoholic beer
  • seen running TOWARD a clown
  • buying ice cream from a truck
  • camping
  • last seen at a Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber or Kanye West concert
  • on a road trip with children or my ex sister-in-law
  • seen wearing Crocs

All of these are sure signs of foul play.  Now, if I am found slumped over my buggy in the liquor store, that could very well be chalked up to natural causes.

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