Monday, April 29, 2013

Weird Science

The headline "Professor Wants to Study the Health Benefits of Eating Boogers"  recently caught my eye.  Turns out, a guy at the University of Saskatchewan believes there may be health benefits to eating your own boogers.  Whew!  What a relief.  I thought he meant eating other people's. 

This is SCIENCE???

I'm going to shoot you straight, right here.  I don't care if the professor proves that eating boogers makes you smarter, gives you bigger boobs and makes you shit silver dollars.  I'm not jumping on this band wagon.

Can you imagine the research that will have to be done to validate his hypothesis?  I'm thinking his research subjects will consist mainly of little kids and drivers stopped at traffic lights.  Surely participants will have to follow strict guidelines to keep them safe.  Like they can't insert their finger deeper than the knuckle so as to avoid brain injury.

Seeing that headline made me wonder what other kinds of crazy research is going on these days.  It didn't take long to Google a couple of doozies.

A professor at Cornell University has scientifically proved that waitresses with large breasts make more money in tips than do waitresses with small breasts.  No shit.  I must be smarter than I thought if it takes an Ivy League professor to deliver this groundbreaking nugget of knowledge. 

Another study suggests that semen may be useful in treating depression.  Are there any women researchers out there?  Any at all?

I can see it now.  A woman walks out of the doctor's office with a prescription for Petercillan.  Whose depression is this supposed to help exactly, the man's or the woman's?

I'm thinking we will easily be able to tell whether researchers are male or female just by the title of a study....

Male:  Blow Jobs Prevent Cancer
Female: Blow Jobs Cause Chronic Neck Pain