Diva Demands

Remember back-in-the-day when Van Halen put tour riders in our vocabulary with their demand for a bowl of M&M's with no brown ones?  Well, that seems quite reasonable by today's standards. (Just FYI... A rider is the list of requests that a performer has when making an appearance at a particular venue.)

Lady Gaga's rider includes a mannequin with puffy, pink pubic hair. (Pretty basic, really.)  Mariah Carey reportedly demanded 20 white kittens and 100 doves before a show. (She obviously has "people" to clean up after all that.)

Most recently I've read that Beyoncé will only drink her 69.8-degree alkaline water through $900 titanium drinking straws.  Then, when she has to pee, only red toilet paper will do. (Am I the only one who reads that and thinks, "Ick"?)

Wow.

I guess I am a much more practical kind of gal because I think it would be FABULOUS to have someone fold the clothes immediately after the dryer stops.  I cannot fathom this diva level of pretentiousness.

But, I will try.

When I become a diva...*insert twinkly dream sequence*...my demands will include....

• Bon Jovi music exclusively as I prepare for an appearance -- sung softly into my ear by Jon Bon Jovi as he gives me a massage

• My entourage shall include a sniper to fire warning shots over the heads of approaching Kardashians, clowns, people over the age of five wearing Crocs and Jehovah's Witnesses.

• Tito's Brand Vodka -- NO EXCEPTIONS! -- perfectly chilled by ice retrieved from the bowels of an Antarctican glacier

• Monkeys are forbidden.  (Seriously.  I will totally lose my shit if there are monkeys.)

• Assortment of Someecards framed and hanging against a black fabric backdrop.  Topics should include vodka, stupid people and profanity.

• A photograph of Grumpy Cat smiling

• A basket of warm, crisp (but not so crisp that it breaks when slightly bent) bacon

• Lay's potato chips, original, not baked and ONLY those folded over ones that are the crunchiest

• My delicates must be washed with the tears of Tibetan monks and gently scrubbed against Joe Maganiello's abs. (I'll wash my face the same way -- minus the tears.)

• A pillow stuffed with down from the endangered Hawaiian Coot

• A chunk of the Camel Donga meteorite to serve as a paperweight

 Hey, that wasn't so hard!  Adaptability is a gift.