Monday, April 8, 2013

Feed the Children

As you know from reading my blog, Hubs and I do not have children.  However, we do have children in our lives.  Children we love dearly.  Two of these who have been in our lives the longest are our godsons.  Since they will likely choose my nursing home one day, for blog purposes, I will call them Bert and Ernie. Bert is the oldest at 10 1/2 and Ernie just turned 9.  We've known them from the time they entered this world and they have enriched our lives greatly.

Hubs and I have taken these kiddos lots of places and done lots of fun things.  However....  There is one activity that is always a source of contention -- EATING.  You parents who are responsible for providing daily nourishment for your offspring, I admire the shiz out of you for not going totally batshit crazy at the challenge of this endeavor.

Bert and Ernie are extremely picky eaters.  EXTREMELY.  No crusts is a given.  "Toasted" is tricky because consumption depends on the proportion of dark to light on the remaining bread.  Pizza is usually the best bet, but what if the crust is too thick or too thin?  Houston, there will be a problem.  Hotdogs are typically okay, but heaven forbid they are grilled with those delicious charred marks.

Both boys have a history of whining, "I don't like that."  The item for consideration may be something they've eaten for years, but much like a tsunami, their changes in taste evolve without warning.   Hubs and I always ask them to at least try some of whatever we are having in hopes of cultivating their palletes, but you'd think we'd asked them to try fresh dog dookie given the reactions we get.

Ernie is notorious for fake gagging and crying.  Like a match to gasoline, this sets me on fire.  I once made him eat a few bites of mac-and-cheese and he totally lost his mind.  It wasn't even homemade, for heavens sake!  Even I know kids won't go for that, but Kraft?  WTF???

Bert and I once had a come-to-Jesus meeting outside a nice, Italian restaurant when he refused to try the fried cheese he asked for.  Apparently, it was a different SHAPE than the fried cheese he'd had before. OMG.  I explained that we would never ask him to try something that wasn't good, that it would taste the same as what he'd had before, blah, blah, blah, but he totally shut down, complete with tears.

Hubs and I were determined, though, to take them out and teach them to enjoy dining at restaurants.  Our only rule was, "Make your decision carefully, because if you order it, you eat it."  We'd even get them to start thinking about their order on the way to the restaurant.  Surely that would make for a pleasant evening....

We took them to the local Sonic (which has since been closed because they were apparently cooking up meth along with the hotdogs) for a casual meal.  Bert had decided on a hotdog and Ernie chose a corndog.  It was a nice evening, sitting outside, so we naively hoped for the best.  When Ernie's corndog arrived, he started to pick off the crust. 

"What are you doing?"  I asked.

"I don't like this part."  Ernie replied.

I have to admit, Godmom lost her shit.  I leaned over, looked Ernie in the eyes and slowly said, "NO.  That is what MAKES a corndog.  You said you wanted a corndog.  YOU.  WILL.  EAT.  THAT.  CORNDOG."

Ernie apparently knew that I was close to the edge because he ate that fucking corndog.  After eating it, he looked at me pensively and announced, "I'm not eating the stick." 

I had to turn away not to laugh.  It was confirmed in that moment that it's a damn good thing I ain't nobody's mama.









8 comments:

  1. nice, I bribe my niece and nephew. You would be amazed at what I can get them to eat for 50 cents

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    1. I love it! Unfortunately, Bert and Ernie would try to shake me down for far more than 50 cents!

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  2. LOL- classic. One time, I resorted to putting a whole pile of different sh## on the table and letting my niece and nephew go for broke... Eat whatever the hell you want.. the rest will go right back in the damn refrigerator until I pull that same sh## out again tomorrow and rearrange it on different plates! Cheerios, mac and cheese, corn chips, hot dogs, a couple of chicken tenders, BBQ ribs, grilled cheese sandwich, burgers, PB&J, corn on the cob, chocolate milk, a Capri Sun and some cucumbers... ALL AT ONCE. Eat...don't eat...Auntie doesn't care... but I still love the little boogers. :) #auntiesperogative

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    1. Awesome! Maybe we should start a boot camp for kids so that they'd really appreciate their parents after a weekend with us!

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  3. Love it! My middle child is VERY picky! He will only eat hamburgers of a certain thickness from certain restaurants...It is like a crap shoot going to a new restaurant. I finally put a rule down that if you order it you must eat over half of it or you pay! It comes directly out of their chore money!

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    1. Oh yes, the thickness of anything is another deciding factor. I'm glad to know I am not alone!

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  4. Hilarious, and hit home! My 5 yr old step daughter is the pickiest eater I've had to live with. Grill marks...she won't eat anything with grill marks! I once made chicken for her with absolutely no marks on it, it was completely gray! She says her food is dirty if there is any mark, sauce, or seed touching it. I've lost my shit more than once. But I'm learning, and so is she. I love it when she comes over and whispers in my ear (guess what? I like hamburgers now!) http://arianaisstillgrowing.blogspot.com/2012/12/concessions.html

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