Sunday, July 28, 2013

Royal Reality

I'm not a royal watcher nor am I a reality TV fan, but if the two were combined, I'm thinking that might be worth watching.  A glimpse "Behind Castle Walls" to see life with Will, Kate and baby George WITHOUT domestic help would be a ratings smash.

Kate has been home alone with the baby since Will went back to work.  She hasn't had a chance to pee or brush her teeth all day, so she's looking forward to the moment Will walks through the door and she can hand the baby over for a bit. Unfortunately, Will heads straight to the bathroom with his iPad to catch up on the day's polo and cricket matches.  Thirty minutes in to his royal dump, Kate has had enough, yelling, "Damnmit Will!  I'm going to cut your balls off if you don't get out here before I piss myself!"

Knowing what's good for him, Will finishes his daily deuce, strikes a match and heads out hoping for a quick snog with his lady.  Instead, their bundle of joy is shoved into his arms with the proclamation from his mum, "He just shit his nappy, so he's due for a change." (They're very proper, so perhaps instead of shit, they say "shat," but I'm not sure.)

Later that night, we catch a glimpse of Kate sneaking outside beneath the cloak of darkness.  She is wearing a pair of Will's old pajama pants, a burp stained tank top and some bedroom shoes she's had since college.  She removes a loose stone from the castle wall and reaches inside....  She finds her hidden stash of fags (cigarettes people, don't get excited) and proceeds to burn one as the fog settles across the moor.

The thing to remember is, that even if we catch the royals going all white trash, they will still sound classy because of that accent.  "I'm going to put a boot up your ass" sounds like a delightful experience when threatened in a British accent.  That will no doubt serve Prince George well as he learns to talk.

When my godson, Bert, was just a tot, his favorite treat was chocolate milk.  Unfortunately, when he would ask for chocolate milk, it came out sounding exactly like "fucking" milk.  You can imagine how that went over when he decided he wanted some chocolate milk during Sunday service at church.  I'm pretty sure their family is still on the prayer list and that was over 8 years ago....  Even in this worst case scenario, I think the British accent would have helped lessen the shock.

Imagine when the little prince gets old enough to start repeating everything his parents say....  Sunday lunch with the Queen should be interesting.  (I'm sure Liz pops some stag or grouse into the royal Crock Pot before church.) While it's quiet around the table, George will innocently ask something like, "Great grandmum, may I please see the bat?"

Puzzled, the old gal will no doubt inquire as to what the boy is talking about, so he will explain, "My mum says an old bat lives in the palace."  Will chokes back a laugh while Kate kicks him under the table.

We always see royal children on their best behavior.  I want to see them acting like REAL kids.  I want to see Will trying to beat George's ass when he throws a tantrum in the local stop-and-shop.  I want to know if the dish-rag maneuver (when you try to put a child down and he goes limp and won't lock his knees) extends across the pond and into the royal set.

I want to see Kate totally lose her shit when the future kind of England spits pudding in her hair.  I want to see what happens when George becomes fascinated with the "loo" and flushes one of Mum's heirloom jewels.  How great would it be to see Kate wearing a macaroni necklace during a public appearance?

Royally. Awesome.


  1. And that's the reason you ain't nobodys mama. I however don't know if I want to see that. I think I see enough of that in public with peoples kids. Besides, I got shit to do :)