The Art of Seduction

I read.  A LOT.  Everything from popular fiction, nonfiction, Christian, to smut.  I can't read that much without noticing some trends.

Ever since Fifty Shades of Grey came out, it seems "romance" has been replaced more by getting tied up and spanked by someone you call Sir rather than having a relationship evolve from attraction to an emotional and mental connection.  Now don't get me wrong.  These books are fun to read, but sometimes I just have to laugh.

I can't tell you how many times I've read about a woman biting her bottom lip and that resulting in a man's "member" getting harder than a diamond in a snow storm. The guy always says something like, "If you don't stop biting that lip, I'm going to do it for you."  This usually garners a wide-eyed gasp from the timid nymphette and then there are animal noises.

Biting my lip has never resulted in Hubs jumping across the table, ripping off my clothes and pounding me until I walked funny the next day.  A more realistic exchange would be something like....

I gently nibble my lip in contemplation as I study the menu.

Hubs:  What's up with your lip?

THAT is reality, people!

I guess there are only so many different ways you can describe the act of knocking boots, but every time I read that the man's "cock sprang free" (I shit you not.  I've read this more than once.) I mentally hear the cartoon sound effect of a bouncing spring, "BOOOOOOOINGGGGG!"  That ruins the hot and heavy for me.  Other words used way too much are thrust, pulse, throb, and growl.  Why not go ahead and throw in hammer or bang to mix things up a little?

As crazy as some of those descriptions sound, I just finished a book where I read this very sentence: 

His erection stood out proudly and my mouth watered.

What. The. Fuck.  I laughed out loud at that one! 

Now that's nice and all that his boner was proud rather than self-conscious and shit, but REALLY????  Her mouth watered???  I call bullshit on that whole scenario.  Supposedly, a woman wrote the book, but that totally sounds like a man's fantasy to me.  Now had he pulled out a proud, cream cheese iced, cupcake from his pocket, THEN I can see the whole mouth watering thing. 

I think I can write a better seduction scene....

We sit quietly, not even side-by-side, but in the same room.  I gently drag my finger across my iPad to align three like candies while he brazenly swipes his iPad screen, searching, searching for something more.

Suddenly!  The dryer lets out a loud BUZZZZZ! breaking the silence.

He looks at me.  I play coy and pretend not to notice.

He rises from the sofa.  Then, in a deep, penetrating voice, he says, "I'll get the clothes out of the dryer."

 Ho. Lee. Shit.

Excuse me while I take off my clothes....

Now THAT is a man who knows how to please a woman!

I need a cigarette.