Birth Control

Forget sex education classes and condoms.  If you really want to deter teen pregnancy, make teens spend a day at Chuck E. Cheese. My first (and last) visit wasn't until I was in my thirties, but it did the trick. I could actually feel my tubes double knotting themselves as I watched kids react to the stimulus of this rodent sponsored rave.

One child totally lost control of his bladder on one of the rides.  As the seat lifted into the air, down came the wave of pee in a splash all over the floor. Didn't seem to bother him. He just jumped off and ran to the next attraction. Guess what happened next.  Yep.  Another tot trotted right up and hopped onto the seat, totally oblivious to the pool of piss he'd just sat in.  Kids are resilient like that.

Parents deal with shit like this all the time.  They keep going with a willingness and tenacity that is foreign to those of us who are childless.  I applaud them.  I truly do, because I totally admire people with skills and attributes I do not possess.  Parenting is at the top of that list.  The good Lord knew what he was doing when he gave me no desire to reproduce.  (He's all-knowing like that.). I love the children in my life, but I am grateful -- as should they be --  that I am not their mom because I would surely screw them up.

First of all, I watch too many true crime shows, so I would be super paranoid about letting them experience new things.  You want to run out to the ice cream truck?  Nope.  A pedophile is likely hocking those Nutty Buddies.  You want to go to the circus?  Nope.  Clowns are bad news.  Does the name John Wayne Gasey mean anything to you?

I scarred my much younger sister, Nice (to my Naughty), when we were growing up. To this day, Nice remembers my rules/warnings regarding public restrooms:

1. NEVER sit on the potty. (Hover, as all good Southern girls have been taught.)
2. NEVER go by yourself.  (Surely molesters lurk in public restrooms.)
3. DO. NOT. TOUCH. ANYTHING. 

I came up with these rules when I was a teen, so imagine the damage I could do to a kid's outlook now!  I'd likely have an App for them to avoid germs and danger.
 
Back to my my nonexistent children....  Groceries would have to be delivered.  I once took my two-year-old godson to the grocery store.  Holy shit.  I have never felt so helpless.  When he wasn't screaming and doing that "dish rag" maneuver where his knees won't lock so I could stand him up, he was doing the "try to put a cat in a box" move when I'd try to put him in the cart or back into his car seat.  He's in his teens now and I can probably count the times I've taken him grocery shopping on three fingers.

My kids couldn't participate in organized sports.  I am not a sports fan, so I require beer or vodka to be a pleasant spectator.  Even I know that just wouldn't be right at T-ball practice.

My kids would never experience the carefree, childhood joy of a waterpark. Waiting in line with a bunch of strangers, standing in a puddle, everyone dripping wet in their bathing suits?  Know what that water has touched?  EVERYTHING.  Not going to happen.

Yep.  It's a very good thing I Ain't Nobody's Mama.

The Hall Pass List

In case you aren't familiar with the premise, a Hall Pass List is composed of people you could hook up with if the opportunity presented itself with no repercussions from your spouse or partner.  These are people you would not encounter normally -- celebrities, models, famous atheletes, etc.  A Fantasy F--k List, if you will. 

For example, Jennifer Aniston has been on Hubs' list from day one. She was nearby filming a movie not too long ago. If Hubs had run into her and she wanted some of that, he could've given her some.  I couldn't have said a word.  No judgement.  Hell, I'd have been proud for him.

We each are allowed five people on our list.  (The number is up to you.  Make up your own rules.)  Hubs keeps five at all times plus he has a waiting list.  (Hang in there Sofia Vergara.  You are on the verge!)  I've been surprised that Hubs has kept Marisa Tomei on his list all these years. When I've asked why he hasn't switched her out for someone more current, he said, "I'm loyal like that."  Good to know.

Jon Bon Jovi was the one and ONLY person on my list for years.  Many, MANY years.  However, JBJ started playing fast and loose with his ranking when he did the Advil commercial.  But, I stood by him (I'm loyal like that) and convinced myself that he was just capitalizing on his notoriety as a mature celebrity. Who can't use a little Advil?  Not so bad.  At least he wasn't using "You Give Love a Bad Name" to pitch meds for venereal disease.  So, JBJ maintained his reign as the lone star of my list.

But then it happened....  He created a fragrance for Avon.  Shit.  Why Jon?  WHY?!?  Couldn't you at least create a high end fragrance?  He'd backed me into a corner.  Left me no choice.  I had to make the cut.  I love his music, but that's all there can be between us.

That left an open slot for a new one and only on my list. (I am apparently far more discerning than my Hubs.) I considered Channing Tatum, but after seeing him in Magic Mike, I was wary.  That guy can move and thrust like nobody's business.  I'm over 40.  A wild night with that young buck could break a hip.  Sorry, Channing, but safety first.

After much deliberation, I did select a new one for my list.  He's young, fit, can lift heavy things and would be handy for getting things down from the top shelf.  I am going to keep him a secret for now to make sure he is the ONE.  Stay tuned.... 

Who would top your list?