Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Weighing In

More power to you if dropping a few pounds is on your to do list for 2014.  I'm no expert, but I suggest steering clear of radical or celebrity hyped plans.

On Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle blog, Goop, she lists menus for a 300 calorie per day Winter detox. Here's Day One:

Glass of room temperature lemon water
Herbal tea
Chai Gingerbread Shake
Mug of hot lemon water or herbal tea
Chickpea Soup
Walnut Lentil Pâté
Quinoa Stuffed Kabocha

Wow.  I'm starving just reading that.  About the only thing I have on that list is the water.  Gwynnie no doubt has "people" to hunt down oddball dietary implements like kabocha and lentil pâté.  I've got better shit to do than go on a scavenger hunt for an Asian variety of winter squash and snack on seeds.

No doubt Gwynnie's innards are squeaky clean and you could bounce a quarter off her abs, but life is too fucking short to drink hot water and munch on dandelion roots.  But, hey, if that turns you on, go for it.  Just don't try to sell me on that pathetic bandwagon of self-depravation.  I'm no health guru, but personally, I'm fond of moderation.  (I drink with it all the time.)  I watch what I eat and exercise, but I also enjoy myself.

Any bulimic starlet who says that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels has obviously never had salted caramel gelato or a Krispy Kreme while the neon light is on.  I once indulged in an éclair in a small patisserie outside of Paris that was worthy of a post coital cigarette.  I wouldn't trade that culinary experience for any amount of quinoa or celery juice.

Besides, celebrities get paid very well to maintain their svelte figures.  They have personal chefs, trainers, nutritionists, plastic surgeons, etc. to help with the job -- and Photoshop if all that doesn't work -- so they really don't have much excuse not to look fantastic.  I bet their dinner parties aren't all that much fun, though....  I imagine Gwynnie inviting friends over for wheatgrass martinis then standing around munching on edamame and doing ass clenches to help burn off the calories.  I'd love to sneak a tray of bacon wrapped cocktail wienees into one of her soirees and watch what happens....

Weight loss product endorsements provide valuable incentives for celebs to shed the pounds.  Jessica Simpson reportedly made over $4 million for her original deal with Weight Watchers. Weight Watchers is a solid plan, but I wouldn't do it based on seeing Jess having a grand time frolicking in a meadow now that she can get her ass back into her jeans.  Hell, if someone paid me $4 million to follow a cat-turd-a-day diet, I'd dance around, give a fist bump and proclaim, "That shit's delicious!" I guaran-damn-tee you I could out-frolic good ol' Jess for way less money.

Thankfully, I've never been even close to the precipice of fame so I don't have to worry about anyone speculating when my tummy pokes out as to whether it is a baby bump or if I indulged in a Milk Dud.

Rest assured, it ain't no damn baby bump....  I Ain't Nobody's Mama!

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